I may be alone in this. I’m not sure. When we started trying to have a family, I always imagined the child. Not the pregnancy. I’d dream about his or her 10 little toes and 10 little fingers. The baby yawns and the baby acne. All the firsts.
As the months turned into years, my focus turned to “just” getting pregnant. I could imagine feeling “butterflies” and Chris talking to my belly.
As years wore on, I focused back on the baby. My goal was to be a parent, after all. Not pregnant. And, then we finally had Emma. And I didn’t really think about pregnancy all that much, if at all.
When we decided we were definitely going to pursue embryo “adoption,” I let the how and when of matching with a donor couple go. I allowed myself not to dwell on it too much. This was a huge feat for me, and I’m sure if months had turned into years, my feelings would have likely changed.
But, we are tentatively matched. My thoughts are more on the baby’s arrival. I’m looking up blog posts about parenting 2 under 3 and figuring out what double stroller I might want. What if it’s a boy? What do we really need besides clothes and a double stroller? A bigger car might be useful with a bigger stroller and 2 kids (maybe more?!) and Daddy’s long legs.
But, there is no baby. Yet. There are embryos that might grow into babies. Hopefully, they do, but there’s no guarantee. And, we haven’t transferred an embryo. So, there’s no pregnancy. Oh wait, and we don’t have a contract. These embryos aren’t ours yet. But, they still fill my thoughts during quiet moments or chatting with the donor mom or even when Emma is rocking her baby doll.
So, this daydreaming is crazy. This random googling of information I perceive to be important in the here and now isn’t. But, it could be!
It all boils down to the fact that I’m attached. My heart feels like we’re going to get one baby (maybe 2) out of this amazing opportunity. I’m extremely hopeful and thankful. While I try to keep focused on the here and now, my mind does wonder to the possibilities.
And, there are amazing people out there that want us to be parents again. They trust us just like Emma’s birth parents trusted us. And that is amazing in and of itself. Most parents don’t get this kind of recognition and validation, or do they?