Grief

Grief is weird. We all have past experiences that shape who we are today. But, grief has done the most to change me personally.

I’ve walked this journey before. I’ve had to face disappointment in many parts of my life, especially fertility and adoption.

The first couple days after hearing yet another, “I’m sorry. This cycle wasn’t a success,” I bounced through all the stages of grief multiple times a day. It was tiring to be honest. I’d be fine one minute. Enjoying watching Emma play or reading yet another book to her. And, I’d think…all her firsts may be the only time we experience them. And, I’d get so desperately sad at that thought. That’s the thought that still brings tears to my eyes.

For the last couple days, I’ve been filled with much more acceptance. I’m still sad and disappointed, but I’m not spiraling. In the first few days, I allowed myself to feel ALL the emotions. I’d walked this path before and knew I could get through it. And, in many ways, it’s easier to let it happen organically and not to fight back the emotions. I know I’ll carry the pain with me always. I might not cry at the drop of hat, but it’ll always be a part of me.

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