As the days pass, my hopefulness is coming back and dominating my emotions. This is typical. At least for me. It’s more a pattern at this point. One I haven’t experienced in a number of years, but it’s much like riding a bike.
Disappointment has been such a huge part of this journey. Until Emma anyways.
But, I have this feeling that something bigger is coming. Something I couldn’t plan for. Such a hard concept for me.
That’s how Emma came to us. Totally out of the blue and by surprise. Nothing I could plan for. And, she’s perfect!
What we have never shared before is that we had a handful of opportunities before Emma. We didn’t know if they would work out, so we didn’t really tell anyone. At the time, we didn’t want to have to answer why they didn’t work out. We don’t really know. Even now.
We had one such “maybe” right before Emma. The expectant mother and baby were local to us. The baby was a boy. We had a name picked out (for years). Was this that child? We were waiting to hear if he would be ours over Christmas. It was so hard to keep it a secret. I wanted to share so badly, but I knew he wasn’t ours to share yet. He was due at the end of January, and we found out the first week of January that he wasn’t our boy. This “no” hit me the hardest out of all them. I really thought he would be our son.
But, something big was going to happen. We just didn’t know it.
Our daughter would be born 10 days later.
She would make me a mother. And, all the pain was made worthwhile. My fear of never becoming a mother ceased. I would always be this child’s mother…our daughter’s mother.