The baby that wasn’t ours…

Three Christmases ago, we were excitedly waiting to hear if a little boy would be our son. The situation was perfect for us in a lot of ways. We had a boy name picked out, and I wondered out loud if this boy would be our son. I bought a onesie for our son, and I told myself that it was ok to buy for our future child even if this child wasn’t him. I remember being so excited and wanting to tell our family. But, we hadn’t been chosen or even asked to talk to the expectant mother. There wasn’t really anything to celebrate. We’d been down this road before, and we didn’t want our families to be as disappointed as we had been. That boy would not be our son. It was disappointing not to be picked. Again.

But, we could never have guessed that we would be chosen to parent a little girl less than a month later. And that the whirlwind of parenthood would soon begin.

I sometimes wonder how close we were to living a different path with a different child. It’s humbling and terrifying all rolled up into one. Our little E is amazing, and I can’t imagine a life where she isn’t ours to love on. I think of that little boy from time to time. I wonder where he is and hope he’s happy and healthy.

To the waiting, hopeful parents, the wait IS hard. There are no guarantees. And no matter what path you’ve chosen, I hope that you get to live the dream, even if it isn’t the one you dreamed yourself. Thinking of you especially now during the holidays when everything can feel like a reminder of what you don’t have. We’ve walked the walk. You are not alone.

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