I didn’t intend to leave y’all hanging for so long. Life has a way of ticking on regardless of what’s happening.
We had a little bit of an interesting and surprisingly unexpected ride since my last post. The day after my blood test, our doctor called to let me know that my beta HCG, the pregnancy hormone, was positive but low. It was an 8. That’s pretty low. We did not celebrate. We knew from previous experience that this would likely result in a chemical pregnancy, an early miscarriage.
After another blood test, our doctor let us know we were indeed having a chemical pregnancy since my HCG levels had gone down. I stopped my medications. Our embryo implanted but failed to progress. They don’t really know why. We’ve been told it’s the embryos. That it’s not me. That there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to conceive and carry a child. Three groups of genetically different embryos (our genetic embryos + 2 sets of donor embryos) beg to differ. And that causes me more doubt and less optimism than I’d like to admit for our last two embryos still frozen at our clinic.
My initial reaction was not what I would have imagined. I didn’t cry despite being a big crier. I wondered if I’d become so jaded to this process that I was unable to react, but there have been moments since that have triggered tears, albeit short-lived. I think gently being eased into an unsuccessful pregnancy may have something to do with it. Having more immediate needs during a 11 day power outage also probably aided to a “what will be will be” attitude. Knowing the likelihood that our embryo would continue to grow was slim, I found it frustrating to unnecessarily take medications for a few more days. But, the hope that a miracle could happen kept us moving.
It’s defeating. And, I feel like the writing is on the wall. I have to be ok with not being able to have a another child. At least this way. That is going to take time. The what if’s are what I find the most challenging. How do we achieve the family we imagined? Or do we resolve ourselves to being a family of three?
We still have two embryos. There is still hope. But life will go on whether they make us parents again or not. I have to be ok. I will be ok. I think this loss will hit me more if the last two embryos also aren’t successful. We have no plans to continue fertility treatments after transferring them.
With that said, I need to do this last one on our own. I don’t think I have anything else new to say. I’ve taken you through the process as well as the ups and downs, which has been harder for me mentally that I expected. Being open about our journey has been a double edge sword. I hear from so many that our journey and our positive attitude has inspired them. For that, I am grateful. But, I feel like I need the space to have the emotions that aren’t always fun to share. And maybe I won’t need those emotions. Maybe we’ll get our miracle. Would you look at that? Maybe Chris’s optimism has rubbed off on me after all these years. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Thank you for all the love, prayers, kind words, and support. We appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.