Category: Familyof3

Update time…

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I didn’t intend to leave y’all hanging for so long. Life has a way of ticking on regardless of what’s happening.

We had a little bit of an interesting and surprisingly unexpected ride since my last post. The day after my blood test, our doctor called to let me know that my beta HCG, the pregnancy hormone, was positive but low. It was an 8. That’s pretty low. We did not celebrate. We knew from previous experience that this would likely result in a chemical pregnancy, an early miscarriage.

After another blood test, our doctor let us know we were indeed having a chemical pregnancy since my HCG levels had gone down. I stopped my medications. Our embryo implanted but failed to progress. They don’t really know why. We’ve been told it’s the embryos. That it’s not me. That there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to conceive and carry a child. Three groups of genetically different embryos (our genetic embryos + 2 sets of donor embryos) beg to differ. And that causes me more doubt and less optimism than I’d like to admit for our last two embryos still frozen at our clinic.

My initial reaction was not what I would have imagined. I didn’t cry despite being a big crier. I wondered if I’d become so jaded to this process that I was unable to react, but there have been moments since that have triggered tears, albeit short-lived. I think gently being eased into an unsuccessful pregnancy may have something to do with it. Having more immediate needs during a 11 day power outage also probably aided to a “what will be will be” attitude. Knowing the likelihood that our embryo would continue to grow was slim, I found it frustrating to unnecessarily take medications for a few more days. But, the hope that a miracle could happen kept us moving.

It’s defeating. And, I feel like the writing is on the wall. I have to be ok with not being able to have a another child. At least this way. That is going to take time. The what if’s are what I find the most challenging. How do we achieve the family we imagined? Or do we resolve ourselves to being a family of three?

We still have two embryos. There is still hope. But life will go on whether they make us parents again or not. I have to be ok. I will be ok. I think this loss will hit me more if the last two embryos also aren’t successful. We have no plans to continue fertility treatments after transferring them.

With that said, I need to do this last one on our own. I don’t think I have anything else new to say. I’ve taken you through the process as well as the ups and downs, which has been harder for me mentally that I expected. Being open about our journey has been a double edge sword. I hear from so many that our journey and our positive attitude has inspired them. For that, I am grateful. But, I feel like I need the space to have the emotions that aren’t always fun to share. And maybe I won’t need those emotions. Maybe we’ll get our miracle. Would you look at that? Maybe Chris’s optimism has rubbed off on me after all these years. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Thank you for all the love, prayers, kind words, and support. We appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

Steps to making a baby…

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For educational purposes only 😉

Step 1: Wake up bright and early and get ready while your significant other sleeps. Don’t forget breakfast! You’ll need lots of energy.

Step 2: Start the long drive to the fertility clinic. Time may vary.

Step 3: Once you arrive to your clinic of choice, empty your bladder (not pictured).

Step 4: Start hitting the water. Hydration is key.

Step 5: If you can’t bring your significant other, bring some friends instead.

Step 6: Try to relax while being jabbed with tiny needles by your new acupuncturist friend while your bladder slowly fills.

Step 7: Dress up in your new outfit that the nurse picked out just for you. Cute!

Step 8: Try not to pee while the medical staff who are ohhing and ahhhing over this beautiful embryo that’s hatching 😍

Step 9: Empty bladder again.

Step 10: Facetime your husband to find he’s become a jungle gym 🙃

Step 11: Find a McDonald’s and order and eat French fries. You’re not only hungry, but it’s apparently the new good luck thing for fertility challenged folks like me. McDonald’s is probably behind it. They better seal the deal!

Lining check…

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Tomorrow, I have an appointment to see if my lining is increasing sufficiently for my transfer next week. Due to the precautions our clinic is taking, this will be the only ultrasound I’ll have to check.

A lot of people have asked about how I’m feeling. It’s definitely hard to not “what if” this cycle like every other. I hope to post about that separately. But, one downside of this cycle is the side effects I’m having from the medication. I’m taking more estrogen than in the past, and I have the unfortunate side effect of near constant headaches. Not fun with a toddler running around and using me
as a jungle gym. I’m also having muscle aches. I’m not sure if that’s a side effect or just exhaustion from everything. I tend to carry my stress and emotions in my body. The probiotic suppository is also making me very…irritated. 😬 And, that’s all I’m going to say about that. 👀

Due to side effects, covid precautions, and new donors, this cycle feels different. I’ve stopped predicting what everything is going to be like, because everything feels different or hasn’t happened at all like imagined. I’m hoping that’s a good sign, but it’s probably just happening for no rhyme or reason.

I’ll hope that tomorrow is uneventful. 🤞🏼

(And, just for fun! Here’s E exploring a trail near our property on the little bit of snow we got today. We aren’t showing her face anymore due to privacy concerns, but she’s still growing and thriving for those that have asked.)

The baby that wasn’t ours…

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Three Christmases ago, we were excitedly waiting to hear if a little boy would be our son. The situation was perfect for us in a lot of ways. We had a boy name picked out, and I wondered out loud if this boy would be our son. I bought a onesie for our son, and I told myself that it was ok to buy for our future child even if this child wasn’t him. I remember being so excited and wanting to tell our family. But, we hadn’t been chosen or even asked to talk to the expectant mother. There wasn’t really anything to celebrate. We’d been down this road before, and we didn’t want our families to be as disappointed as we had been. That boy would not be our son. It was disappointing not to be picked. Again.

But, we could never have guessed that we would be chosen to parent a little girl less than a month later. And that the whirlwind of parenthood would soon begin.

I sometimes wonder how close we were to living a different path with a different child. It’s humbling and terrifying all rolled up into one. Our little E is amazing, and I can’t imagine a life where she isn’t ours to love on. I think of that little boy from time to time. I wonder where he is and hope he’s happy and healthy.

To the waiting, hopeful parents, the wait IS hard. There are no guarantees. And no matter what path you’ve chosen, I hope that you get to live the dream, even if it isn’t the one you dreamed yourself. Thinking of you especially now during the holidays when everything can feel like a reminder of what you don’t have. We’ve walked the walk. You are not alone.

We remember…

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Thinking of all those who have lost a pregnancy or child today.

We had an early miscarriage in 2014. Our baby would have been 6 this month. We will always remember.

We are 1 in 4.

Popular questions…

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As we continue to work towards finalizing an embryo adoption for the second time and ultimately a transfer date, we’ve gotten a few questions: When are we transferring? How is COVID-19 impacting our journey? How many embryos are we receiving?

For a variety of reasons, the earliest we plan to transfer an embryo would be February. We’ve gone back and forth, but that’s what we settled on. We will be self isolating as much as possible before and during any cycle. We want to be outside of the window of our limited holiday festivities. Chris will also need a normal work week for almost 6 weeks straight so that he can adjust his work schedule to be able to stay home with our daughter while I travel to doctor appointments. Pre-pandemic, I usually dropped her off at one of her grandparent’s house during appointments, or we’d have a family day. Neither of those options are feasible right now with Covid-19.

We will be receiving 3 embryos. They are frozen in two straws. We plan to transfer the embryo that’s in a straw by itself first (February 🤞🏼). Whenever we decide to do another transfer, our current thought is that we’ll thaw the 2 embryos that are in a straw together, transfer one, and refreeze the second embryo for a later transfer. Both our clinic and our donors approved refreezing the second one. BUT, we could transfer two. But, we’d obviously have to be OK with TWINS! 🤪 I might have to elaborate more on the idea of twins at a later point. Transferring two embryos isn’t new to us. We just haven’t done it since our first experiences with IVF. We transferred two embryos when we did fresh (vs. frozen) cycles with our genetic embryos. One transfer produced a chemical pregnancy and the other was unsuccessful.

I (and Chris, too!) love to answer your questions. We are open books about our experiences. I’ve lost count of how many couples who have contacted us over the years to discuss doctors, procedures, adoption agencies, etc. And, many are just curious about the process of fertility treatments or adoption. Keep the questions coming!

The roller coaster continues…

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A few of y’all caught it in my posts in the Spring, but we have matched with a second embryo donor! This situation fell in our laps late 2019/early 2020, and we took some time to bond and coordinate a few potential hiccups that slowly panned out in our favor. It’s crazy how the bonding has been the easiest part of the process. We feel the match is the perfect one for us, and interestingly, our first donor led us to our second donor. I’m choosing to believe that our next miracle(s) are taking the long way to us just like Emma did.

Our match is a little different than first time in that the embryos were not created or stored at the clinic we plan to use for transfer. So, coordinating with different clinics, embryologists, and doctors in different states has been challenging, but things are finally moving along.

We still have a few more steps until we can get to a transfer cycle:

✔️ Match with donors

✔️ Verify clinic will accept embryos

✔️ Therapy consult (required by our clinic)

🔘 Legal contract transferring ownership of the embryos (We hope to have the legal part done this month! 😁)

🔘 Shipment of embryos from donor clinic to our clinic

🔘 Nurse consultation to schedule donor transfer cycle

🔘 Transfer cycle

In the beginning, it was a whirlwind. We’d just had our last failed cycle from our batch of embryos from our first donor. We were mourning, and we were trying to figure out our next move. Then, our first donor mentioned another donor that might be interested in connecting.

The pandemic definitely slowed the process. It put us in a wait and see kind of mode, which is a “feeling” I mention a lot. There’s a lot of mixed emotions. I’m mostly excited, but I’m nervous, too. This fertility treatment rollercoaster has no guarantees. What if this doesn’t work?! Will we be able to afford another option? What if we have to wait longer than we planned due to the pandemic? But, it’s out of my control, as much as I like to think differently. We ARE optimistic or else we wouldn’t even be proceeding.

At the end of the day, we are so lucky! None of this seems lucky does it? But, some people who choose to match privately to adopt embryos don’t ever match 😢, but we’ve matched twice.

I really felt a connection to the donor mom of our first donated embryos. We were looking forward to having them as part of our family. We were all so disappointed that the transfers didn’t work. That we didn’t have a child to connect us. They will still be part of our story, and I hope to remain in contact as we have. And, how amazing is it that our first donor had enough faith in us to recommend us as recipients to another donor? So humbling!

We’re optimistic that we’ll have more to update y’all on in the weeks to come. Fingers crossed! 🤞🏼

NIAW 2020-Day 5

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Today is the last photo challenge day of National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme, Show Your Resolve, kind of threw me off for a minute. I didn’t feel like I had resolved anything related to infertility.

Our childlessness was resolved through adoption. We did become parents. To be able to adopt in a healthy way, we needed to mourn that we would never have a genetic child. And, we did. I also had to mourn that I would never carry a child. I feel like I mourned that connection with a child, but maybe didn’t fully mourn the missed experiences. I would never be able to relate to pregnancy complaints, cravings, nesting, labor, birthing, breastfeeding, etc.

My feelings are often discounted. “You didn’t miss anything.” “Pregnancy is horrible.” “You got a child the easy way.”

Nothing about our journey has been easy!

Emotionally. Physically. Financially. It’s been different. But, not “easy.”

In many ways, I’d be ok not experiencing pregnancy. To miss out on those shared experiences, but I have not resolved myself to being the mother to only one child. I want to be the mother to at least 2 children (more, if possible). That’s the pain I carry around.

As we continue to pursue embryo adoption, we hope to have a shorter wait time and less expense to achieving the family we’ve always imagined. Pregnancy is just the cherry on top to growing our family. COVID-19 will more than likely delay our dreams, but they won’t be canceling them.

NIAW 2020-Day 2

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Over the years, one thing I’ve noticed about most of the fertility challenged men and woman I’ve met is that most are animal lovers, especially dogs. We are no exception!

For us, we currently have 4 pets. 2 dogs. 2 cats. We rescued Ellie (top right) during our first year of trying to conceive when it was becoming clear that becoming parents wasn’t going to be easy.

All our fur babies bring us so much comfort. From snuggles on the couch. To laughs from their crazy antics.

NIAW 2020-Day 1

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This week is National Infertility Awareness Week! While I share our story throughout the year, I hope that you’ll learn something new this week, reach out to a friend experiencing infertility, or maybe even share your own story. This journey can be lonely, but it doesn’t have to be.

#NIAW #NIAW2020 #HonorYourStory #MyInfertilityStory

•7 IUIs
•2 fresh IVFs
•1 FET
•2 donor FETs
•3 donor embryos on ice waiting for us

Sometimes our journey seems like nothing but numbers and statistics. Cold and irrelevant, at times. They’re numbers that mean everything and nothing. Our past failure doesn’t necessarily determine our future success. They don’t tell you about the heartache of months and years of wondering if we’d be parents. I can’t even count how many shots, blood draws, or internal ultrasounds I’ve had over the years. Numbers don’t show you how much we love our daughter who came to us through adoption.

As hard as this journey has been, I know that I’m stronger and better for it. You may think that it is easy to say that now that we are (theoretically) on the other side, but I was saying it the midst of all the heartache. Here is an old post, but it’s still a goodie. There can still be beauty in the midst of despair.