Today is the last photo challenge day of National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme, Show Your Resolve, kind of threw me off for a minute. I didn’t feel like I had resolved anything related to infertility.
Our childlessness was resolved through adoption. We did become parents. To be able to adopt in a healthy way, we needed to mourn that we would never have a genetic child. And, we did. I also had to mourn that I would never carry a child. I feel like I mourned that connection with a child, but maybe didn’t fully mourn the missed experiences. I would never be able to relate to pregnancy complaints, cravings, nesting, labor, birthing, breastfeeding, etc.
My feelings are often discounted. “You didn’t miss anything.” “Pregnancy is horrible.” “You got a child the easy way.”
Nothing about our journey has been easy!
Emotionally. Physically. Financially. It’s been different. But, not “easy.”
In many ways, I’d be ok not experiencing pregnancy. To miss out on those shared experiences, but I have not resolved myself to being the mother to only one child. I want to be the mother to at least 2 children (more, if possible). That’s the pain I carry around.
As we continue to pursue embryo adoption, we hope to have a shorter wait time and less expense to achieving the family we’ve always imagined. Pregnancy is just the cherry on top to growing our family. COVID-19 will more than likely delay our dreams, but they won’t be canceling them.
Support is such an important part of life, especially health issues. Support systems can be big or small. They can change over time.
Chris has been my consistent support since he’s my teammate in life. We were pretty private in the beginning of our journey, but social media played a huge role in my venting and ranting during those first few years. I later met and befriended many men and women locally who also struggled with infertility. While I have tons of compassionate fertile people in my life, there are many things that only my fertility challenged buds get.
Emma has become my little cheerleader whether she knows it or not. She thinks I can do anything, and that gives me a lot of strength. She also keeps my occupied 🙃, so I don’t have time to get lost in my own thoughts as often as I once did. She did make me a mother, but infertility will always be a part of my life.
Wow! I’ve been unintentionally quiet. The medicine I’m taking makes me so tired, and motivation is hard to come by. We transferred our last donor embryo, Pumbaa, two weeks ago. Today, Continue reading “The moment has come…”→
I was really hesitate to start watching the first season, because shows tend to get so much wrong with adoption. But, I was hearing a lot of good things, so I wanted to give it a try. We ended up watching it after Emma joined our family last year, and I cried almost every episode. There were a lot of painful (but, thought-provoking) things to watch as an adoptive mother. The show is a portrayal of one family, but I connected with it even when I didn’t always agree with each character’s decisions and actions. I’m looking at you, Rebecca! I do wonder how some of those actions are viewed by people with zero first hand experience with adoption.
We’re currently binge watching the second and third seasons before the fourth season airs later this month. So excited!
We took a mini vacation last weekend, and much to my surprise, we had NO coverage and spotty WiFi. So, I didn’t get to update y’all at all. 😢
A lot of my “fertility challenged sisters” have been checking on me. I really appreciate each and every one of them. Many of them know the journey we’ve chosen. And, they know better than anyone what may lie ahead.
Many have asked if I will do a home pregnancy test before the blood test on Thursday. I don’t plan to test. I knew being out of town would help with the eagerness. I have tested in the past, but it was a rabbit hole I didn’t want to try this time. So, I know as much as y’all!
Our fertility doctor’s office is out of town, so we are opting to have my bloodwork done locally. This means our results will be delayed until some time Friday. We plan to share the good/bad news with our families at some point on Friday or Saturday followed by sharing here.
I had the first of my two biopsies yesterday. I expect we won’t find out the results until tomorrow at the earliest. The fertility doctor was so nice and walked me through everything. We had a good laugh about several different things, and she has a way of putting me at ease. The pain was significant but short lived. And, the cramping she promised afterward was thankfully mild.
So, I walked out of the office thinking I got this. I had been nervous about the procedure, but I was really proud of myself. I was excited to spend the rest of the day with Emma and her Godmother. We were going to have a girl’s day! It was all fun and games until about 30 minutes into our car ride home, and Emma vomited for the first time ever. Sure, she spit up plenty as a baby. But, throw up? No. And, she proceeded to throw up 5 more times on the car ride home. Emma’s Godmother earned herself a medal for sure. She was a trooper and jumped right in to help with each mess ❤️
Once I was home with my toddler napping in my arms and smelling of vomit, I couldn’t help but kind of laugh to myself that this is what I had dreamed about for years. When struggling to conceive and then, adopt, I daydreamed about sleepless nights with a newborn, bath time, teaching a child to read and write, etc. But, I also daydreamed about explosive diarrhea, projectile vomiting, and potty training, etc. We imagined the GOOD and the BAD. After all, they go hand in hand with parenting as well as life. But, it’s what you make of it.
Are we tired? Yup. Are we sad that our daughter is sick? Yup. Are we glad that we are the ones who get to soothe and care for her? You, bet!
And, we hope to do it again with another baby next year thanks to our amazing donors and fertility doctor. Time is both passing slowly and quickly, but we are excited to (hopefully) make a baby.
Well, I spent Mother’s Day as sick as a dog while doing my best to care for Emma since Chris worked. I may have bribed her with cookies and cartoons. But, a mama has got to do what a mama has got to do. Hey, we both survived!
My mind has been mostly on Emma’s birth mother today. She made me a mother, and I’m so grateful for her. Emma brightens our days even if we are sick and just want a n-a-p. I’m so honored to be her mother, and her first mama will always be honored in our home.
Our embryo “adoption” journey is progressing slowly but maybe even faster than I imagined. I really didn’t know how long it would take to be contacted by anyone or how long the process would take once we connected with a couple.