I’ve lost track of how many people have asked if I would test before the beta. I hadn’t planned on it, and I never did. With so many people asking, it was very tempting. If I had pregnancy test at home, I think I would have caved. The act of ordering or buying one stopped me. I’ve been wondering the last couple days if I feel pregnant. It’s so early. And the medication I’m taking to sustain a pregnancy (if I’m lucky enough to be pregnant) can mimic pregnancy symptoms. I think for the first week I generally think I am. Then, doubt starts to seep into my thoughts. A few days before my test, I convince myself I’m not and go into the beta and waiting for the doctor’s call pretty pessimistically.
Transfers are not emotional for me usually. It’s a box checked. A means to an end. Been there. Done that.
This is when my emotions start to hit. I’m so used to hearing bad news I honestly don’t know how to prepare for good news. It’s self preservation I guess.
I would love for this embryo to be the one. To tell him or her of the amazing story that lead us to being a family. But tonight, we wait. And hope. Just a little bit longer.
As we continue to work towards finalizing an embryo adoption for the second time and ultimately a transfer date, we’ve gotten a few questions: When are we transferring? How is COVID-19 impacting our journey? How many embryos are we receiving?
For a variety of reasons, the earliest we plan to transfer an embryo would be February. We’ve gone back and forth, but that’s what we settled on. We will be self isolating as much as possible before and during any cycle. We want to be outside of the window of our limited holiday festivities. Chris will also need a normal work week for almost 6 weeks straight so that he can adjust his work schedule to be able to stay home with our daughter while I travel to doctor appointments. Pre-pandemic, I usually dropped her off at one of her grandparent’s house during appointments, or we’d have a family day. Neither of those options are feasible right now with Covid-19.
We will be receiving 3 embryos. They are frozen in two straws. We plan to transfer the embryo that’s in a straw by itself first (February 🤞🏼). Whenever we decide to do another transfer, our current thought is that we’ll thaw the 2 embryos that are in a straw together, transfer one, and refreeze the second embryo for a later transfer. Both our clinic and our donors approved refreezing the second one. BUT, we could transfer two. But, we’d obviously have to be OK with TWINS! 🤪 I might have to elaborate more on the idea of twins at a later point. Transferring two embryos isn’t new to us. We just haven’t done it since our first experiences with IVF. We transferred two embryos when we did fresh (vs. frozen) cycles with our genetic embryos. One transfer produced a chemical pregnancy and the other was unsuccessful.
I (and Chris, too!) love to answer your questions. We are open books about our experiences. I’ve lost count of how many couples who have contacted us over the years to discuss doctors, procedures, adoption agencies, etc. And, many are just curious about the process of fertility treatments or adoption. Keep the questions coming!
Three simply words. A whole heck of a lot of emotion behind them. Timon will always be in our hearts, but he/she won’t be our rainbow baby, unfortunately.
When I got the call yesterday, I managed to stay composed enough that the fertility doctor thought I must have done a home pregnancy test and likely knew I wasn’t pregnant. But, really…I knew if I started I wouldn’t stop. Once I got off, I crumbled, emotionally and physically. It’s the most emotional I’ve been during this process. The disappointment made my body physically hurt, and I had the unfortunate task of telling Chris and our donors. Heartbreaking.
The somewhat good news is that my estrogen and progesterone levels were perfect for Timon to survive. But, again, bad luck seemed to play a role.
While we will be grieving this unique loss, we have a rough plan to transfer our final embryo in the next few months. No definite dates. No timeline. And, as much as that hurts this planner’s heart, we need time to mourn.
We’ll continue to be open, because I don’t know how to do this in the shadows any longer. We appreciate everyone’s love, prayers, positive thoughts, and baby dust. It made the world of difference to us, even though things didn’t go as we had hoped. Thank you for being on this journey through the highs and lows.
Lately, I’ve been asked a lot about how I’m “feeling.” I never know if people are asking physically due to the medication or emotionally.
I suspect both. And, I answer honestly in person, and I will here, too.
Physically? I’m pretty much my normal self. The medicines I’m taking don’t affect me as much as the ones I would need for an IVF retrieval. With embryo adoption, we were able to skip all that. My progesterone shots are causing more soreness than our mock cycle, but it’s tolerable. I need to buy a heating pad since the one I’ve been using is pretty much dead. I’m hoping that putting heat on the injection site will help (as I feel it has in the past).
Emotionally? I’m a mix bag. While some call me a pessimist, I like to call myself a realist. I typically prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So, I’m hopeful, nervous, and excited. I know what disappointment looks like. I’ve had countless cycles of disappointment. And, maybe because I don’t know what the excitement of pregnancy is like I can’t “see” it as well. I desperately want this cycle to be successful. I want Emma to have a sibling. I want more children. I don’t want to disappoint the donors. I know they don’t feel that way, but being on the receiving end of such an amazing gift, I feel it’s only natural to worry about their feelings in all this. With all that said, I still feel the most content I’ve ever felt during a treatment cycle. I know what to expect and having a little one does preoccupy most of my thoughts. I’m thankful for that.
For now, we have to wait 3 days for the transfer and then, wait another 2 weeks to find out if all this effort was worth it. Fingers crossed it is.