Update time…

I didn’t intend to leave y’all hanging for so long. Life has a way of ticking on regardless of what’s happening.

We had a little bit of an interesting and surprisingly unexpected ride since my last post. The day after my blood test, our doctor called to let me know that my beta HCG, the pregnancy hormone, was positive but low. It was an 8. That’s pretty low. We did not celebrate. We knew from previous experience that this would likely result in a chemical pregnancy, an early miscarriage.

After another blood test, our doctor let us know we were indeed having a chemical pregnancy since my HCG levels had gone down. I stopped my medications. Our embryo implanted but failed to progress. They don’t really know why. We’ve been told it’s the embryos. That it’s not me. That there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to conceive and carry a child. Three groups of genetically different embryos (our genetic embryos + 2 sets of donor embryos) beg to differ. And that causes me more doubt and less optimism than I’d like to admit for our last two embryos still frozen at our clinic.

My initial reaction was not what I would have imagined. I didn’t cry despite being a big crier. I wondered if I’d become so jaded to this process that I was unable to react, but there have been moments since that have triggered tears, albeit short-lived. I think gently being eased into an unsuccessful pregnancy may have something to do with it. Having more immediate needs during a 11 day power outage also probably aided to a “what will be will be” attitude. Knowing the likelihood that our embryo would continue to grow was slim, I found it frustrating to unnecessarily take medications for a few more days. But, the hope that a miracle could happen kept us moving.

It’s defeating. And, I feel like the writing is on the wall. I have to be ok with not being able to have a another child. At least this way. That is going to take time. The what if’s are what I find the most challenging. How do we achieve the family we imagined? Or do we resolve ourselves to being a family of three?

We still have two embryos. There is still hope. But life will go on whether they make us parents again or not. I have to be ok. I will be ok. I think this loss will hit me more if the last two embryos also aren’t successful. We have no plans to continue fertility treatments after transferring them.

With that said, I need to do this last one on our own. I don’t think I have anything else new to say. I’ve taken you through the process as well as the ups and downs, which has been harder for me mentally that I expected. Being open about our journey has been a double edge sword. I hear from so many that our journey and our positive attitude has inspired them. For that, I am grateful. But, I feel like I need the space to have the emotions that aren’t always fun to share. And maybe I won’t need those emotions. Maybe we’ll get our miracle. Would you look at that? Maybe Chris’s optimism has rubbed off on me after all these years. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Thank you for all the love, prayers, kind words, and support. We appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

The baby that wasn’t ours…

Three Christmases ago, we were excitedly waiting to hear if a little boy would be our son. The situation was perfect for us in a lot of ways. We had a boy name picked out, and I wondered out loud if this boy would be our son. I bought a onesie for our son, and I told myself that it was ok to buy for our future child even if this child wasn’t him. I remember being so excited and wanting to tell our family. But, we hadn’t been chosen or even asked to talk to the expectant mother. There wasn’t really anything to celebrate. We’d been down this road before, and we didn’t want our families to be as disappointed as we had been. That boy would not be our son. It was disappointing not to be picked. Again.

But, we could never have guessed that we would be chosen to parent a little girl less than a month later. And that the whirlwind of parenthood would soon begin.

I sometimes wonder how close we were to living a different path with a different child. It’s humbling and terrifying all rolled up into one. Our little E is amazing, and I can’t imagine a life where she isn’t ours to love on. I think of that little boy from time to time. I wonder where he is and hope he’s happy and healthy.

To the waiting, hopeful parents, the wait IS hard. There are no guarantees. And no matter what path you’ve chosen, I hope that you get to live the dream, even if it isn’t the one you dreamed yourself. Thinking of you especially now during the holidays when everything can feel like a reminder of what you don’t have. We’ve walked the walk. You are not alone.

Popular questions…

As we continue to work towards finalizing an embryo adoption for the second time and ultimately a transfer date, we’ve gotten a few questions: When are we transferring? How is COVID-19 impacting our journey? How many embryos are we receiving?

For a variety of reasons, the earliest we plan to transfer an embryo would be February. We’ve gone back and forth, but that’s what we settled on. We will be self isolating as much as possible before and during any cycle. We want to be outside of the window of our limited holiday festivities. Chris will also need a normal work week for almost 6 weeks straight so that he can adjust his work schedule to be able to stay home with our daughter while I travel to doctor appointments. Pre-pandemic, I usually dropped her off at one of her grandparent’s house during appointments, or we’d have a family day. Neither of those options are feasible right now with Covid-19.

We will be receiving 3 embryos. They are frozen in two straws. We plan to transfer the embryo that’s in a straw by itself first (February 🤞🏼). Whenever we decide to do another transfer, our current thought is that we’ll thaw the 2 embryos that are in a straw together, transfer one, and refreeze the second embryo for a later transfer. Both our clinic and our donors approved refreezing the second one. BUT, we could transfer two. But, we’d obviously have to be OK with TWINS! 🤪 I might have to elaborate more on the idea of twins at a later point. Transferring two embryos isn’t new to us. We just haven’t done it since our first experiences with IVF. We transferred two embryos when we did fresh (vs. frozen) cycles with our genetic embryos. One transfer produced a chemical pregnancy and the other was unsuccessful.

I (and Chris, too!) love to answer your questions. We are open books about our experiences. I’ve lost count of how many couples who have contacted us over the years to discuss doctors, procedures, adoption agencies, etc. And, many are just curious about the process of fertility treatments or adoption. Keep the questions coming!

Big decisions…

I had a post all ready to go, but a few things have changed in the last week. The holidays are always busy, and I kept putting off posting. It was too Continue reading “Big decisions…”

One week out…

From starting “this” process all over.

Oddly, there’s some comfort in the routine of doctor’s visits and medicine schedules.

But, the “what-ifs” are getting Continue reading “One week out…”

Who loves This is Us? Hates it?

I was really hesitate to start watching the first season, because shows tend to get so much wrong with adoption. But, I was hearing a lot of good things, so I wanted to give it a try. We ended up watching it after Emma joined our family last year, and I cried almost every episode. There were a lot of painful (but, thought-provoking) things to watch as an adoptive mother. The show is a portrayal of one family, but I connected with it even when I didn’t always agree with each character’s decisions and actions. I’m looking at you, Rebecca! I do wonder how some of those actions are viewed by people with zero first hand experience with adoption.

We’re currently binge watching the second and third seasons before the fourth season airs later this month. So excited!


As the days pass, my hopefulness is coming back and dominating my emotions. This is typical. At least for me. It’s more a pattern at this point. One I haven’t Continue reading “Hopefulness…”

Missed you…

We took a mini vacation last weekend, and much to my surprise, we had NO coverage and spotty WiFi. So, I didn’t get to update y’all at all. 😢

A lot of my “fertility challenged sisters” have been checking on me. I really appreciate each and every one of them. Many of them know the journey we’ve chosen. And, they know better than anyone what may lie ahead.

Many have asked if I will do a home pregnancy test before the blood test on Thursday. I don’t plan to test. I knew being out of town would help with the eagerness. I have tested in the past, but it was a rabbit hole I didn’t want to try this time. So, I know as much as y’all!

Our fertility doctor’s office is out of town, so we are opting to have my bloodwork done locally. This means our results will be delayed until some time Friday. We plan to share the good/bad news with our families at some point on Friday or Saturday followed by sharing here.

Mother’s Day…

Well, I spent Mother’s Day as sick as a dog while doing my best to care for Emma since Chris worked. I may have bribed her with cookies and cartoons. But, a mama has got to do what a mama has got to do. Hey, we both survived!

My mind has been mostly on Emma’s birth mother today. She made me a mother, and I’m so grateful for her. Emma brightens our days even if we are sick and just want a n-a-p. I’m so honored to be her mother, and her first mama will always be honored in our home.

Quote by Jody Landers

Are you going to adopt again? (Part 1)

Oh boy! All those questions people ask when you have a baby. You’ve just had one, and they are asking if you’ll have another. I’m actually surprised how much we get this particular question, because we waited so long for our first. No joke; a nurse in the NICU Continue reading “Are you going to adopt again? (Part 1)”