And, I’ve put it off all day.
I’m not pregnant.
Three simply words. A whole heck of a lot of emotion behind them. Timon will always be in our hearts, but he/she won’t be our rainbow baby, unfortunately.
When I got the call yesterday, I managed to stay composed enough that the fertility doctor thought I must have done a home pregnancy test and likely knew I wasn’t pregnant. But, really…I knew if I started I wouldn’t stop. Once I got off, I crumbled, emotionally and physically. It’s the most emotional I’ve been during this process. The disappointment made my body physically hurt, and I had the unfortunate task of telling Chris and our donors. Heartbreaking.
The somewhat good news is that my estrogen and progesterone levels were perfect for Timon to survive. But, again, bad luck seemed to play a role.
While we will be grieving this unique loss, we have a rough plan to transfer our final embryo in the next few months. No definite dates. No timeline. And, as much as that hurts this planner’s heart, we need time to mourn.
We’ll continue to be open, because I don’t know how to do this in the shadows any longer. We appreciate everyone’s love, prayers, positive thoughts, and baby dust. It made the world of difference to us, even though things didn’t go as we had hoped. Thank you for being on this journey through the highs and lows.
the waiting really begins…
We took a mini vacation last weekend, and much to my surprise, we had NO coverage and spotty WiFi. So, I didn’t get to update y’all at all. 😢
A lot of my “fertility challenged sisters” have been checking on me. I really appreciate each and every one of them. Many of them know the journey we’ve chosen. And, they know better than anyone what may lie ahead.
Many have asked if I will do a home pregnancy test before the blood test on Thursday. I don’t plan to test. I knew being out of town would help with the eagerness. I have tested in the past, but it was a rabbit hole I didn’t want to try this time. So, I know as much as y’all!
Our fertility doctor’s office is out of town, so we are opting to have my bloodwork done locally. This means our results will be delayed until some time Friday. We plan to share the good/bad news with our families at some point on Friday or Saturday followed by sharing here.
Many fertility medications require a strict timing. This had made for some interesting predicaments in past cycles since Chris has given me most of the shots.
The progesterone shots have wiggle room but consistency is the best rule. We chose 9PM as a good time for us. Unfortunately, tonight the electric went out. So, I had my first shot illuminated by the light on my phone. And, the first night I have a new heated pad, I have no electric 🤷🏼♀️ All you can do is laugh!
Or Christmas in July for us!
Fun fact! Did you know that the pineapple is the unofficial symbol for the infertility community? Pineapples or eating the core itself is hoped to contribute to a successful transfer for many. The science isn’t 100% there, but it certainly won’t hurt.
Don’t forget to send us some virtual baby dust!
I’ve noticed that the infertility community doesn’t often wish each other good luck for a successful treatment and pregnancy, and with a diverse group of people, “sending prayers” can be inappropriate. Instead, they/we often say something to the affect of “Sending you baby dust,” or “Wishing you lots of sticky baby dust.” It’s like “break a leg” for performers.
But, we’ll take it all! Prayers. Luck. And Baby Dust!
Only 2 more days until Timon the Embryo is thawed and transferred ❤️
Lately, I’ve been asked a lot about how I’m “feeling.” I never know if people are asking physically due to the medication or emotionally.
I suspect both. And, I answer honestly in person, and I will here, too.
Physically? I’m pretty much my normal self. The medicines I’m taking don’t affect me as much as the ones I would need for an IVF retrieval. With embryo adoption, we were able to skip all that. My progesterone shots are causing more soreness than our mock cycle, but it’s tolerable. I need to buy a heating pad since the one I’ve been using is pretty much dead. I’m hoping that putting heat on the injection site will help (as I feel it has in the past).
Emotionally? I’m a mix bag. While some call me a pessimist, I like to call myself a realist. I typically prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So, I’m hopeful, nervous, and excited. I know what disappointment looks like. I’ve had countless cycles of disappointment. And, maybe because I don’t know what the excitement of pregnancy is like I can’t “see” it as well. I desperately want this cycle to be successful. I want Emma to have a sibling. I want more children. I don’t want to disappoint the donors. I know they don’t feel that way, but being on the receiving end of such an amazing gift, I feel it’s only natural to worry about their feelings in all this. With all that said, I still feel the most content I’ve ever felt during a treatment cycle. I know what to expect and having a little one does preoccupy most of my thoughts. I’m thankful for that.
For now, we have to wait 3 days for the transfer and then, wait another 2 weeks to find out if all this effort was worth it. Fingers crossed it is.