Today is the last photo challenge day of National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme, Show Your Resolve, kind of threw me off for a minute. I didn’t feel like I had resolved anything related to infertility.
Our childlessness was resolved through adoption. We did become parents. To be able to adopt in a healthy way, we needed to mourn that we would never have a genetic child. And, we did. I also had to mourn that I would never carry a child. I feel like I mourned that connection with a child, but maybe didn’t fully mourn the missed experiences. I would never be able to relate to pregnancy complaints, cravings, nesting, labor, birthing, breastfeeding, etc.
My feelings are often discounted. “You didn’t miss anything.” “Pregnancy is horrible.” “You got a child the easy way.”
Nothing about our journey has been easy!
Emotionally. Physically. Financially. It’s been different. But, not “easy.”
In many ways, I’d be ok not experiencing pregnancy. To miss out on those shared experiences, but I have not resolved myself to being the mother to only one child. I want to be the mother to at least 2 children (more, if possible). That’s the pain I carry around.
As we continue to pursue embryo adoption, we hope to have a shorter wait time and less expense to achieving the family we’ve always imagined. Pregnancy is just the cherry on top to growing our family. COVID-19 will more than likely delay our dreams, but they won’t be canceling them.
Wow! I’ve been unintentionally quiet. The medicine I’m taking makes me so tired, and motivation is hard to come by. We transferred our last donor embryo, Pumbaa, two weeks ago. Today, Continue reading “The moment has come…”→
Lately, I’ve been asked a lot about how I’m “feeling.” I never know if people are asking physically due to the medication or emotionally.
I suspect both. And, I answer honestly in person, and I will here, too.
Physically? I’m pretty much my normal self. The medicines I’m taking don’t affect me as much as the ones I would need for an IVF retrieval. With embryo adoption, we were able to skip all that. My progesterone shots are causing more soreness than our mock cycle, but it’s tolerable. I need to buy a heating pad since the one I’ve been using is pretty much dead. I’m hoping that putting heat on the injection site will help (as I feel it has in the past).
Emotionally? I’m a mix bag. While some call me a pessimist, I like to call myself a realist. I typically prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So, I’m hopeful, nervous, and excited. I know what disappointment looks like. I’ve had countless cycles of disappointment. And, maybe because I don’t know what the excitement of pregnancy is like I can’t “see” it as well. I desperately want this cycle to be successful. I want Emma to have a sibling. I want more children. I don’t want to disappoint the donors. I know they don’t feel that way, but being on the receiving end of such an amazing gift, I feel it’s only natural to worry about their feelings in all this. With all that said, I still feel the most content I’ve ever felt during a treatment cycle. I know what to expect and having a little one does preoccupy most of my thoughts. I’m thankful for that.
For now, we have to wait 3 days for the transfer and then, wait another 2 weeks to find out if all this effort was worth it. Fingers crossed it is.
But, pregnancy math is on the same level as toilet paper and paper towel math for me.
With the knowledge of when our embryo will be transferred, we can estimate when my due date long before we actually transfer Timon The Embryo. It’s not official but an online calculator. It does factor in that our embryos are already 5 days old. Frozen in time in 2016.
So, transfer is slated for July 25. Timon is 5 days old. And, somehow I’m 1 week pregnant today. But, I’m not. ‘Cause pregnancy math is weird.
Two of our “little” cousins came over for the weekend. We love when they visit! They love playing as many games we can fit into our time together. This visit we played Racko, Batman, Life, Wahoo, Clue, and Watch Ya’ Mouth. We also played Scoop Ball and Frisbee outside. We can’t believe we played all those! It was tons of fun (even Life). Jessica usually has at least one project or activity available. This time she had the recipe for Ooze, and E was all about making it. She doesn’t mind getting her hands dirty. K joined in once he realized it came off your hands easily. We enjoy all the fun we have with family and are looking forward to the next family get together. E tends to ask a lot about the baby. She can’t wait for a baby to join our family. K, being a boy, seems less interested. Haha! Jess loved hearing their “little” footsteps in the morning, and she imagined hearing our children’s “quietly” stomping around the house. We know no matter how many months we wait to be parents it will be worth it. Feel free to share.