I’ve lost track of how many people have asked if I would test before the beta. I hadn’t planned on it, and I never did. With so many people asking, it was very tempting. If I had pregnancy test at home, I think I would have caved. The act of ordering or buying one stopped me. I’ve been wondering the last couple days if I feel pregnant. It’s so early. And the medication I’m taking to sustain a pregnancy (if I’m lucky enough to be pregnant) can mimic pregnancy symptoms. I think for the first week I generally think I am. Then, doubt starts to seep into my thoughts. A few days before my test, I convince myself I’m not and go into the beta and waiting for the doctor’s call pretty pessimistically.
Transfers are not emotional for me usually. It’s a box checked. A means to an end. Been there. Done that.
This is when my emotions start to hit. I’m so used to hearing bad news I honestly don’t know how to prepare for good news. It’s self preservation I guess.
I would love for this embryo to be the one. To tell him or her of the amazing story that lead us to being a family. But tonight, we wait. And hope. Just a little bit longer.
After paperwork issues between clinics, our 3 embryos are starting their 1,500+ mile trip across America. It’s so exciting to be at this point! But, I’m also super nervous about shipping embryos for the first time and praying they arrive safely.
If you could send us some prayers or positive thoughts for a successful shipment, we’d really appreciate it.
Frozen embryos are often called snowflakes. ❄️❄️❄️ However, I’m lovingly referring to our embryos as turkeys (for now), since we are so close to Thanksgiving. 🦃 🦃 🦃
A few of y’all caught it in my posts in the Spring, but we have matched with a second embryo donor! This situation fell in our laps late 2019/early 2020, and we took some time to bond and coordinate a few potential hiccups that slowly panned out in our favor. It’s crazy how the bonding has been the easiest part of the process. We feel the match is the perfect one for us, and interestingly, our first donor led us to our second donor. I’m choosing to believe that our next miracle(s) are taking the long way to us just like Emma did.
Our match is a little different than first time in that the embryos were not created or stored at the clinic we plan to use for transfer. So, coordinating with different clinics, embryologists, and doctors in different states has been challenging, but things are finally moving along.
We still have a few more steps until we can get to a transfer cycle:
✔️ Match with donors
✔️ Verify clinic will accept embryos
✔️ Therapy consult (required by our clinic)
🔘 Legal contract transferring ownership of the embryos (We hope to have the legal part done this month! 😁)
🔘 Shipment of embryos from donor clinic to our clinic
🔘 Nurse consultation to schedule donor transfer cycle
🔘 Transfer cycle
In the beginning, it was a whirlwind. We’d just had our last failed cycle from our batch of embryos from our first donor. We were mourning, and we were trying to figure out our next move. Then, our first donor mentioned another donor that might be interested in connecting.
The pandemic definitely slowed the process. It put us in a wait and see kind of mode, which is a “feeling” I mention a lot. There’s a lot of mixed emotions. I’m mostly excited, but I’m nervous, too. This fertility treatment rollercoaster has no guarantees. What if this doesn’t work?! Will we be able to afford another option? What if we have to wait longer than we planned due to the pandemic? But, it’s out of my control, as much as I like to think differently. We ARE optimistic or else we wouldn’t even be proceeding.
At the end of the day, we are so lucky! None of this seems lucky does it? But, some people who choose to match privately to adopt embryos don’t ever match 😢, but we’ve matched twice.
I really felt a connection to the donor mom of our first donated embryos. We were looking forward to having them as part of our family. We were all so disappointed that the transfers didn’t work. That we didn’t have a child to connect us. They will still be part of our story, and I hope to remain in contact as we have. And, how amazing is it that our first donor had enough faith in us to recommend us as recipients to another donor? So humbling!
We’re optimistic that we’ll have more to update y’all on in the weeks to come. Fingers crossed! 🤞🏼
Today is the last photo challenge day of National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme, Show Your Resolve, kind of threw me off for a minute. I didn’t feel like I had resolved anything related to infertility.
Our childlessness was resolved through adoption. We did become parents. To be able to adopt in a healthy way, we needed to mourn that we would never have a genetic child. And, we did. I also had to mourn that I would never carry a child. I feel like I mourned that connection with a child, but maybe didn’t fully mourn the missed experiences. I would never be able to relate to pregnancy complaints, cravings, nesting, labor, birthing, breastfeeding, etc.
My feelings are often discounted. “You didn’t miss anything.” “Pregnancy is horrible.” “You got a child the easy way.”
Nothing about our journey has been easy!
Emotionally. Physically. Financially. It’s been different. But, not “easy.”
In many ways, I’d be ok not experiencing pregnancy. To miss out on those shared experiences, but I have not resolved myself to being the mother to only one child. I want to be the mother to at least 2 children (more, if possible). That’s the pain I carry around.
As we continue to pursue embryo adoption, we hope to have a shorter wait time and less expense to achieving the family we’ve always imagined. Pregnancy is just the cherry on top to growing our family. COVID-19 will more than likely delay our dreams, but they won’t be canceling them.
Wow! I’ve been unintentionally quiet. The medicine I’m taking makes me so tired, and motivation is hard to come by. We transferred our last donor embryo, Pumbaa, two weeks ago. Today, Continue reading “The moment has come…”→
Thursday, I had my second ultrasound and bloodwork done for this cycle. Our fertility doctor was a little nervous my estrogen was Continue reading “Plan Z…”→
Lately, I’ve been asked a lot about how I’m “feeling.” I never know if people are asking physically due to the medication or emotionally.
I suspect both. And, I answer honestly in person, and I will here, too.
Physically? I’m pretty much my normal self. The medicines I’m taking don’t affect me as much as the ones I would need for an IVF retrieval. With embryo adoption, we were able to skip all that. My progesterone shots are causing more soreness than our mock cycle, but it’s tolerable. I need to buy a heating pad since the one I’ve been using is pretty much dead. I’m hoping that putting heat on the injection site will help (as I feel it has in the past).
Emotionally? I’m a mix bag. While some call me a pessimist, I like to call myself a realist. I typically prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So, I’m hopeful, nervous, and excited. I know what disappointment looks like. I’ve had countless cycles of disappointment. And, maybe because I don’t know what the excitement of pregnancy is like I can’t “see” it as well. I desperately want this cycle to be successful. I want Emma to have a sibling. I want more children. I don’t want to disappoint the donors. I know they don’t feel that way, but being on the receiving end of such an amazing gift, I feel it’s only natural to worry about their feelings in all this. With all that said, I still feel the most content I’ve ever felt during a treatment cycle. I know what to expect and having a little one does preoccupy most of my thoughts. I’m thankful for that.
For now, we have to wait 3 days for the transfer and then, wait another 2 weeks to find out if all this effort was worth it. Fingers crossed it is.
But, pregnancy math is on the same level as toilet paper and paper towel math for me.
With the knowledge of when our embryo will be transferred, we can estimate when my due date long before we actually transfer Timon The Embryo. It’s not official but an online calculator. It does factor in that our embryos are already 5 days old. Frozen in time in 2016.
So, transfer is slated for July 25. Timon is 5 days old. And, somehow I’m 1 week pregnant today. But, I’m not. ‘Cause pregnancy math is weird.
Two of our “little” cousins came over for the weekend. We love when they visit! They love playing as many games we can fit into our time together. This visit we played Racko, Batman, Life, Wahoo, Clue, and Watch Ya’ Mouth. We also played Scoop Ball and Frisbee outside. We can’t believe we played all those! It was tons of fun (even Life). Jessica usually has at least one project or activity available. This time she had the recipe for Ooze, and E was all about making it. She doesn’t mind getting her hands dirty. K joined in once he realized it came off your hands easily. We enjoy all the fun we have with family and are looking forward to the next family get together. E tends to ask a lot about the baby. She can’t wait for a baby to join our family. K, being a boy, seems less interested. Haha! Jess loved hearing their “little” footsteps in the morning, and she imagined hearing our children’s “quietly” stomping around the house. We know no matter how many months we wait to be parents it will be worth it. Feel free to share.
Recipe for Family 